Sorry this post has no pictures, pretty fonts or colors, or happy themes...
So, you may or may not know, but this Wednesday April 27,2011 will be my one year anniversary with Mr. Chad Woods. I cannot believe that we have been together for one year. But, anyways, I will write a full post on that later, that is not the main point of this post, though it is what made me think of it.
As I thought about my life, and about what has happened over the past year, I realized that so many things about me and my life have changed and are in the process of changing. It amazes me what has happend.
Last year at this time I was a 16 year old sophmore, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed.I was obsessed with cheerleading, tumbling, making the varsity squad the following year, as well as spending time with my absolutely best of the bestest friend/practically sister Madison Elizabeth Bowman.I was really concerned with dating and finally getting a boyfriend. I felt like the worlds biggest loser, I mean there I was, 16 years old and never dated anyone, when my then 15 year old best friend had been dating someone for 5 months and got her first kiss when she was 14. You can imagine how down on myself I was. I secretly hated several things about my life, but for the most part everything was good when I looked at the big picture. I had my core group of 8 friends (well core group of 9 if you include me), and we were always hanging out and being our own crazy selves. We had this little group fully together since freshman year. Like I said, life was good. Then things got even better.
About mid March, in my 4th period Spanish 2 class, Mrs. Marion switched up our seating. I was moved to a new table with 3 new people :Bridget, Richard, and.....Chad Woods...someone I had really never talked to before, only heard of. He was in my grade and had a reputation for being kind of a mean kid, but I am the person to see the good in people so I figured that I would get to know him since I had never talked to him before. Then, about everyday, little by little we started talking more and more. To my surprise, it was extremely easy to talk to Chad, for me this rarely happened with people, especially boys. I served as kind of his Spanish tutor since I had a good grasp on what we were doing, and...uhm....he didn't so much. Over the course of a month, we became really good friends, and I would occasionally talk about him and things that we talked about with Madison, and she said that she thought that me and him should get together. Of course I had thought about it, but he was my friend, and that was it....right...? Well, I was wrong. I realized that I liked him alot more than I thought, and come to my surprise he liked me like I liked him. So, on April 27,2010, right before I went to lunch, Chad and I became a couple. Needless to say, I spazzed with excitement with my friends all through lunch and did not eat that day.
Following getting together with Chad, life had never been better. I had a real boyfriend, had my bestest friend Madison that I did EVERYTHING with, I had my other group of really good friends, I had made the Varsity Cheerleading squad, and I was all pumped for summer. The summer was AMAZING. I hung out with Chad, my friends, and soaked up everything that is summer until it was time for it to come to a close and for Junior year to commence.
Junior year started with so many firsts: I was an UPPER CLASSMAN, a VARSITY cheerleader, got walked to first class by my BOYFRIEND, and parked in the STUDENT PARKING LOT. I was beyond excited. My friends were right there with me like they had always been, especially my partner in crime, Maddie Bee.
As the months progressed into fall, some things started to change.
I started getting really close with Chad, but my friends seemed that they all of a sudden didn't like him and started getting into it with him at the lunch table. Naturally I sided with him,because he really didn't do anything wrong. My friends and I started to drift ever so slowly apart. Not just my group, even the one I thought would be my best friend forver, Madison, started to become more distant too. I didn't know what to do, it seemed like my whole life was falling apart. My friends seemed like they did not even care one bit about me anymore, and could care less what I did or what happened to me. They still hung out with each other, just minus me. I was never invited anywhere. They never spoke to me. And with that we lost our closeness, and I found it hard to talk to them myself. It felt that I had forgotten how. The biggest blow, however, was losing Madison. It felt as though our friendship was dying, a slow and painful death. She might not have felt this, but I did. It hurt me.I thought that she was the one I could trust and tell everything to, and would be the one that would be there for me forever. I cannot tell you how many nights I have cried for hours upon hours about losing my best friend. We did everything together, and were our own little pair through thick and thin. But, she had always had a "Number one best friend" that was not me, as well. Emily. She had always told me that we tied and no one was better than the other, and that we were bestest friends, but I see now, and I think I always knew I was #2. I cried countless times over that too.....because I always seemed to come 2nd in her life, when I always put her first in mine.
Through the winter months my friendships with just about everyone had dwindled. Chad said that it was because of him and that if we broke up I would get my life and my friends back. I told him that this would not solve anything, because losing him would not bring anyone back, too much damage had been done. Also, breaking up would only make me devistated, I love him more than anyone after all.I hung out with only him, and my friends at cheerleading, but only at practice. The only person I saw on weekends was Chad, we were together 24/7. You could imagine that this lead to some fights, and me crying because I thought my lack of friends and a life had done this to our relationship. Even though I had Chad, I felt so alone, and did not know waht to do.
I had literally hit my lowest point.
Life had went from good, to amazing, to good, to bad, to worse in only a matter of months.
At that time, I constantly felt mad at the world, even though I wouldn't admit it. I constantly fought with my parents, had emotional break downs, hated my life, and hated my friends, Madison especially because she seemed to have a perfect life with a boyfriend, friends, pretty-ness, skinniness, and popularity. I hated her for it. I hated my life. I wanted nothing more than to move to another place and start all over. Chad was almost sick of my break downs, even though he proabably wouldn't say that. I couldn't believe that the person I called "Best friend" a few months back, had become the person I resented the most, along with ther person I thought had made her un-likeable to me (aka her boyfriend). I felt alone in the world and like there was no way out. I was in over my head, almost drowning.
After one night of me crying my eyes out to Chad, we sat down and he said that I had to do whatever it took to make myself happy again and get friends again. From then on I was determined to make peace with everyone. This was easier said than done. I had forgot how to make friends with anyone but Chad. I didn't know what to say, and if I tried to talk to people, they looked at me like I was stupid, which discouraged me. My attempt to get my life back was a complete fail. This led to more break downs.
For the months that came, I almost became content with my new life. No friends, no hanging out, just me and my boyfriend. I don't want to sound like I was not happy with Chad, because I was and I still am. I love that boy to death and wouldn't trade him for anything. It's just, I missed my friends, you need those in your life. Friendshiop is something that I had always had, and now I suddenly did not have it.
Today, things are a little bit better. The friend thing has gotten a bit better, but not totally. I find myself more alone and not talking than in the the crowd when I am away from Chad. I am happier with my life. Stress does find me, and I do miss how things were still, but I find it easier to talk to some people. Things are not quite where I want them, but it is a work in progress. If I just have faith, I know that things will come around for me. I just wish I knew when things would get better. I sure hope it is soon.....
